Gaslighting around Birth?

It is an unfortunate thing, but it seems there can be a lot of gaslighting around pregnancy, birth, postpartum and even parenthood. In order to change this in our own communities, it is important to be aware of what gaslighting is, avoid gaslighting those around us who are in vulnerable states, and to confront it when it shows up around us, either towards us or towards someone near us.

First lets look a the definition of gaslighting. The dictionary defines it as manipulating (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity. I don’t think people do this intentionally, though there are some personality disorders that go alone with gaslighting, but I don’t think it is a sign that everyone is a mean manipulating person. I think it has to do with narratives around birth, and our culture. By telling someone who is having a good or uncomfortable pregnancy “just you wait” or “aren’t you lucky to not have morning sickness…” it can be disheartening, and even guilt inducing. Not exactly gaslighting, but still not nice, encouraging or even helpful. Not to say that people who are pregnant shouldn’t know about the possibility of discomfort, the intensity of labour or the long nights with a newborn, its just that information can be given in less fear inducing ways.

Telling someone that is in distress that you had it worst, or even that it will pass eventually can be invalidating, and discouraging, especially in moments of vulnerability. If someone is sharing their discomfort and distress with you its always best to validate and encourage (see the blog post on ring theory to see how to tell when/who you should validate and who you can vent to).

Now moving on to birth, leading up to birth, fear is never a good thing and should not be welcome in the birthing area. Having someone who is fearful, due to their own traumatic experience can sometimes be very unhelpful, and having someone who is suggesting procedures that the birther may have decided they did not want, can be counterintuitive. For example if the birther did not want an epidural, but during contractions a support person continuously mentions or suggests that they should have an epidural as they are in so much pain. Giving the birther permission to have one, it is also not really respecting the birthers preferences, and perhaps the birther doesn’t feel like the contractions are painful, but the way they are coping with it seems to the support person that they are in pain. That could very well turn into gaslighting, with the birther believing that maybe they are in pain, and should be getting someone for the pain, even if they don’t feel originally like they need it.

After birth, can be when gaslighting really happens. Again, it doesn’t mean the people around the birther are mean evil people, but the saying “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” can be very accurate during the fourth trimester, (the first 3 months of baby on the outside). Telling someone that “they are healthy and the baby is healthy and that is all that matters” can be a very harmful statement. Yes, we want those things, but we want a physically AND mentally healthy mom, and a lot of times, the physical is there but the mental is suffering. Maybe an epidural was had, and the birther regrets it or feels that they were pressured into it, and when they talk about it, being told that they had a really good birth, did fine and now baby is here, and healthy and there was nothing bad compared to other peoples births, that can cause the birther to question their own sanity. Maybe that person is right. Maybe there is something wrong with me, because I can’t stop thinking about what happened.

Or maybe there is a traumatic experience, in with the birther thought they were going to die, or perceived the situation to be more dire than it actually was. Telling the birther that everything was fine, they were fine and that there is no reason to be upset about their experience is invalidating and very very harmful. It is very much gaslighting, and sadly it can happen in professional settings with Health Care Providers, Medical Support Staff and even at home with your partner and other support people.

I specifically believe that the “the healthy mom, healthy baby” statement is a gaslighting statement, and in our culture there is an unspoken expectation to have the baby, then get back to normal with baby, including physically and mentally, not taking into account that a human was just born, and in order to heal and bond a pause MUST be taken. Some cultures insist on 30 – 40 days of rest for the baby and the birther, with them being warm, fed and watered with nutrition foods, and only getting up to bath or use the bathroom. It sounds wonderful, and sadly is something that was lost in this hustle culture, and replaced with unhelpful gaslighting statements.

To summarize, I think we all need to think before speaking to someone who is telling us they are in distress, whether we think they are or not, because our narrative is never more important than someone else’s, especially if they feel traumatized or want to debrief things that they felt didn’t go their way. First step is to believe the birthers story and to not inject your own story, whether better or worst, into theirs.

It’s not about you, its about the birther. It is okay if you are unable to support the person in the way they need, but just make that known, and try to help in different ways. Lets end the gaslighting around birth, and support each other through hard times.